Field of Science

Men should just shove aspirin up their urethras

Aspirin goes here. 
Can I just say "thank you" to the GOP for reminding me in the last few weeks how very, very little some men think of women? I'd gotten pretty comfortable there, walking here and there with my ovaries and uterus, brazenly exposing my ankles and even sometimes my knees to the light, boldly driving around alone, my head uncovered and my torso uncorseted. Thinking, like a fool, that I am, here in 2012, a fully 100% citizen and human being in this great nation of ours, someone on par with people who have penises and testes, perhaps some hair on their chests. You know, someone whose full control over her body and her mind is never in question, whose choices about when to have sex and with whom are her own, whose choices about when to bear children and when not to are her own, whose right to have a violation of her body considered a criminal offense is a right retained.

Instead, here we are. When I look around at what's happening today, I feel that so little time has passed since I was born more than 40 years ago or, hell, since my great-grandmother was born in 1898. I could enumerate here the way assaults on the person of women, on their wombs and their vaginas and their rights and their personhood, feel here in 2012. But that's being done all over the Web as each little GOP mole pops up, says something straight out of 1850, and then steps aside for the next little mole.

I'd like to play a little game with you, instead. In the spirit of adventure, let's pretend that all of the shit people are doing against women in just the last week alone instead is being done against men. Here we go.

1. If a man joins the army and is raped, he should just expect that. I mean, damn. He's got an asshole, doesn't he?

2. If a man contributes to the formation of a zygote and then determines for myriad very personal reasons that having a child is not a rational decision at this time and chooses to terminate a pregnancy, he must have a six-inch wand shoved up his ass before the termination for no medically indicated reason. Oh, and then be told that this decision is a "lifestyle choice," because bringing a new human being into the world is a "lifestyle."

3. If a man wants to have birth control so that he doesn't find himself in the above situation, if he works for any entity that has anything whatsoever to do with a Catholic god, he must pay for that birth control himself because religious freedom, not personal freedom, takes precedence here and whatever a religion wants to do, it can. Given the prohibitions against all forms of sodomy, I guess that prostate exams also are out.

4. If a bullying congresswoman uses her power to discuss "religious freedom" in the context of birth control provision, in particular regarding condom use and vasectomies, she will have only women at the congressional hearing to discuss it and force out any man on the docket to speak. Some of the women who are allowed to speak will be nuns.

5. If a man wants to avoid contributing to the formation of a zygote, all he has to do is shove an aspirin up his urethra. That keeps things from coming out of it, you see.

There. Wasn't that fun? That's how it feels to be a woman, here, today, in 2012 in the United States of America. Great, isn't it?

25 comments:

  1. I'm concerned now that Rick Santorum will come by my house and untie my tubz. Of course, this would mean he would also have to stop by the homes of men with vasectomies, right?

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  2. I whole-heartedly endorse this platform for Real Men of the USA. Personally, I would feel much happier knowing that men are taking the precaution of shoving aspirins up their urethras so as to prevent unwanted children from coming into the world due to their lifestyle choices.

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  3. We gotta start calling the VA sonogram law what it is: legalized rape. :(

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  4. There are Catholic Hospitals who when a C-section delivery is performed, and a tubal ligation is asked for, will refuse to tie the tubes and tell the mother that they would have to go to another hospital for tubal ligation. The same Catholic Hospital will have no religious problems with performing a vasectomy. If alter boys could get pregnant I doubt the Catholic Bishops would have gotten all worked up over birth control preventative surgery.

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    1. I have a friend who had to do exactly this. Unnecessary medical risk and expense and pain all in the name of religion.

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  5. What in the living hell is going through the minds of these people??? I cannot tell you the depths to which I am disgusted by this onslaught of hateful, oppressive, and demeaning nonsense from these bescumbered nitwits. I don't even know where to begin. Let's just start with contraceptives: Of course, the Catholic church can spout this bullshit because you don't need contraceptives when fucking little boys. But doesn't the GOP understand that contraceptives prevent scandal-spawning pregnancies when spewing their foul, genetically twisted emissions within their mistresses and female interns?

    My grandmother would have even more colorful words for these jackasses. She didn't spend her life working twice as hard as men for half the pay to put up with this. I mean, damn.

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    1. You took the words right out of my mouth...Thank you!

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  6. Well, if I may point out a few facts that you obscure...

    1. Male rape is the most common form of rape, and also the least reported, according to Human Rights Watch.

    2. Even though I am the contributor of half of a fetus's DNA, I, as a man, have absolutely NO SAY WHATSOEVER in whether that fetus is allowed to mature into a child. What could have been my son is now dead because of this.

    3.As a man, I do pay for birth control as well as STD prevention. No insurance ever has, or ever will pay for my purchase of condoms. Why should a woman get any more than that?

    I agree that the recent congressional hearings reeks of misogyny. But you aren't nearly as disadvantaged as you want to think you are.

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    1. "But you aren't nearly as disadvantaged as you want to think you are."

      Are you fucking kidding me??? I dont even really know how to respond. With what authority do you get to assert that the experience of oppression and violence all women live within is really not that bad? And to what end do you get to spew victim blaming rhetoric? Please do not act like some expert on the female experience.

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    2. First of all, I read about how male rape is the most common form of rape and the least reported. That's not the whole picture, though. And even if it was, wtf does that have to do with anything we're talking about at all?

      Two, you don't have to carry a child for 9 months. This is pretty much the entire point and childbearing is not a riskfree hobby. Women used to die with alarming frequency during childbirth and still do in many places. There are plenty of risks associated with carrying and delivering children so don't act like donating half the fetus's dna should give you any right to override the actual demonstrable risk the woman bears in carrying it. Would you agree to have another person be hooked up to you and your organs for nine months if you knew they'd die otherwise? If you knew it might cause you harm? If you knew it might be serious or lasting harm? If it might kill you? What if the person had no friends or family but might some day?

      Three, perhaps they SHOULD. When I was younger and had to go to planned parenthood to get birth control, they had a giant jar of condoms sitting on the receptionist's counter that you could just grab and go at no cost. Besides, if you're talking about condoms only, then we're probably not talking about the same thing. Woman's birth control gets much more complicated and expensive than just condoms and if we can't afford it, then we have unwanted pregnancy problems. Which I personally would abort. Period.

      I'm not carrying a child to term unless I want to. I am not a brood mare. I am not a petri dish. I am not a test tube. I am a human being and getting pregnant would have life changing consequences for me, not you. The choice is mine, not yours.

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    3. "I am not a brood mare. I am not a petri dish. I am not a test tube. I am a human being and getting pregnant would have life changing consequences for me, not you. The choice is mine, not yours."

      Bravo.

      --I heard someone say the other day that "we can have laws that are intrusive on a woman's body, because we already have laws that are intrusive on a man's body - we tell them they can't rape other people with their penis!"

      --I spent an hour last week explaining to a male friend that the "trauma" of rape is not just the *physical pain* you feel during the incident, but also the way it completely messes you up psychologically. He said at the end, "huh. I just don't think being raped by a woman would bother me."

      --When I wanted to get a tubal ligation (due to decades of horrible side effects from hormonal birth control), my gynecologist refused because I didn't have children already. He said all women want children, and after sterilization, "no man would want me." So my boyfriend went to get a vasectomy, and they put him down for an appointment, no questions asked. At all.

      There is a massive, massive failure to understand on the part of some - not all, but some - men as to what it is actually like to be raped, what it is like to have control of your own body taken away from you, and what it is to have to sit in a doctor's office, without any clothing on, justifying YOUR CHOICE (that you have already agonized over) to someone who has no freaking clue what it is to be female.

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    4. I find it strange that you say "I am not a brood mare... a Petri dish or a test tube; I am a human being" but you say a pregnancy is a problem which you world abort. Is that child not a person also? A completely innocent person at that. I don't understand the mentality of compounding rape with murder.

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    5. The stance that an embryo or fetus is a "person" that can be "murdered" is a religious stance, and your religion can't tell everyone else what to do. Sorry. I've lost an embryo at 10 weeks, and while that experience was devastating because of all the emotion I'd invested in it and the potential it held, it was not a person, although the potential was there--in my mind, obviously not in reality. My children are people, and their loss would be incomparable compared to the loss of a 10-week embryo.

      Having an abortion isn't compounding "rape with murder," as the woman did not rape herself. Forcing her to carry to term a conception that resulted from a violent crime of penetration is what compounds the brutality of rape. You're arguing for forcing an existing human being, not a potential one, to undergo the long-term sequelae of a brutal assault by *bearing a child of rape*, and I don't begin to understand *that* mentality.

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    6. This is not about abortion....it is about "contraceptives" these prevent pregnancy...so there is no need for an abortion. That is what "Anonymous,"let me point out" doesn't get. DAH off topic male again......wow just wow

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  7. 1. Not mentioning something in the midst of a satire isn't "obscuring" it.
    2. Donating DNA doesn't get you the daddy medal or the right to govern the uterus. If you're so invested in the fate of your DNA contribution, you'd do well to establish prior to donation the level of acceptability of that potential outcome on the part of the recipient. Sorry.
    3. Have you asked? Because obviously, it would be great for condoms to be covered. Also, I know of many, many places that hand out condoms for free. So what we're talking about here is that you're bitching about something that can be available for free while women are talking about insurance for *medications* and *surgeries* for birth control.

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  8. I can't find data on the information you provide about male rape. Do you have a link? I find that in 2003, one in every 10 rape victims was male, many of those children under age 12. In 2010, almost 92% of victims of sexual assault or rape were female. The CDC just reported that 1 in 5 women are raped or experience attempted rape in the US, while for men, that value is an estimated 1 in 71. More than 1 million women are raped each year in the US. One report I found put the national rape-related pregnancy rate at 5%, for about 32,000 rape-related pregnancies annually.

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  9. I think my grey matter exploded a little from the male rape commentory. Seriously, i thought the Internet would make people smarter, but that was scary dumb.

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  10. Also wanted to thank Emily for this article. Glad to hear someone is speaking for us as humans.

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  11. His thing about more men being raped is based on some recent study with some skewed and wonky statistics and comparisons of apples to oranges. I can't remember the details cause MRA people emit a substance that gives me strong headachs.

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  12. Almost Diamonds addresses the stats on that: http://freethoughtblogs.com/almostdiamonds/2012/02/12/mras-still-wrong-on-prison-rape

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  13. BEST post. Recently got attacked by a bunch of female for friends for stating that I identify as a feminist because according to them "feminism is dead, we are equal, get over it." Overwhelming evidence shows that this is NOT the time to "get over it", and it is wonderful to read talented, intelligent posts about this to solidify my beliefs.

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  14. Here's a thing that's been bothering me for quite a few years now. We've been around as a species for quite a few years, we've been intelligent for a while, we've been studying medicine. Propagating our species should be something we've got pretty much down pat by now. It should be simple, it should be painless, it should be straightforward, so that all a person needs to worry about is whether she wants to go through it. So why, especially since the man's part of the process is something he can practically do in his sleep and frequently does, why is pregnancy and giving birth still this horrendous, fraught, upsetting, dangerous and above all painful ordeal? Why have we bent so very little of our considerable intelligence and experience towards making it easier for women to do this thing that we seem to think it our right to demand of them? Why is the standard procedure for hospital births based on putting the woman into a position in which delivering a baby is actually harder and more painful, just so the doctors can see better and don't have to bend down? Why is it still possible for a woman to die from what should be one of the most natural processes in the world? And why, having neglected to do anything to make birth easier and in many ways made it more difficult, do we men have the gall to think we have the slightest right to expect women to go through it even under the most ideal of circumstances, let alone when pregnancy has been forced upon them by rape or outmoded religious mumbo-jumbo?

    I am ashamed of my technical gender. And not just the conservative part. All of it.

    Thank you for this post.

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    1. There has been an incredible amount of work put into making giving birth a better, less painful, safer experience. However, that's generally counter to making it a "natural" experience, since naturally it tends to be painful, scary and dangerous.

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    2. I agree that there has been work put into making birth less painful and safer, so in that sense, better, but it is also true that lying flat on your back is one of the most intenable birthing positions possible. There is also some betterment to be done in many areas and improved safety in more (not talking about US here). I disagree that having "natural" birth -- which I translate as "without interventions" -- is inherently dangerous. If no interventions are needed, that doesn't make a birth more dangerous if a woman chooses not to have them.

      What Hugh says about "why would a woman have to die from one of the most natural processes in the world" obviously doesn't make a ton of sense, as we die from a million natural processes.

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